This is where I'd like to stand

Dearest whoever,
I believe life has taken a small twist, or a change, whatever you may call it. A simple phone call made the trick. But it's not a big change. It's rather a beginning of a change. I hope that it keeps on like this, so there is the big change I'm looking for. But I will probably fuck it up. I just hope something happens. Oh well, there is actually a lot of things happening right now, I shouldn't complain. I'll be busy every weekend from now on until the end of august, which might be in the way of my change.
Another thing I've realized is that there are so many people in this world, and (almost) everyone of them are worth to get to know and spend time with. But the problem is time, it's always time. Because in your life you only get to know a certain amount of people, but then there's the question, can you ever really get to know someone? I don't think so. I find new sides of my friends, family and even myself almost everyday. It's both interesting and scary.
Claire

Twenty thousand roads I went down, down, down and they all lead me straight back home to you

I wish someone would just come right up and say; "I am going for you heart, it might hurt a bit but in the end, it'll be worth it." But we're all so fucking afraid of showing or vulnerability to people, like they would flinch and run away. But I guess I would be a bit scared too. I don't want to be though, but that's something else.
Good night.
/Claire


Photo by Eden Batki, I just love this picture so much, I just want to be them for a little while. That'd be nice.

The future is just a fucking concept that we use to avoid living today

How can everything feel so at ease and then change from a moment and another? It scares me. I guess I really have to appreciate the happy moments more. I don't believe in constant happiness, it just comes in bits from time to time, sometimes when you least expect it. That's the happiest moments I guess. God, I feel like such a cliché teenager, I hate it. Or maybe just a cliché human being.
/Claire

You're keeping her up all night bringing her down

I hate waiting, but I don't think I am anymore. Now I am just floating around, I am a boat upon a river that just slowly makes its way down the stream and around me are all of earths population, laughing children, crying mothers, nostalgic fathers and they are all living their simple lives. And there are growing trees and a sky that's both blue and gray and sometimes it rains and sometimes the sun shines. In the night time I hear people drinking and laughing and lighting their cigarettes. In the morning the world is still. Right now, it's all moving. At least I believe it is.
/Claire





Photos by Trinidad H. Carrillo

The woman I'm thinking of, she loved me all up but I'm so down today

I just realized I really want a Polaroid camera, just something I can use to keep a passage of time on a photograph. Even if I'd take really ugly pictures, just the idea of doing it would feel like I was doing something important. If I could, I would buy one tonight, and have it by next week, buy film and then start photographing my friends, my family, myself, my life. I don't know if it would help me, but I would enjoy it. I have a shitty digital camera but I don't like that I can change the pictures on a computer, and that I can delete them if I don't like them, it's not fair. I wish I'd save every photo I've ever taken with that camera, just to save and to look at when I'm old and bored. But now i would like a camera that takes photographs that look old and amateur but with a weird twist. I don't know why I've been so in to photography lately, but I really liked it. I like that you can catch a moment that no one else will ever experience again, or ever. It's kind of like magic. Like songwriting, maybe that's why I do it. Write music I mean. I write music because it makes me feel important and alive, and because it's magic.
/Claire

Photos by Ryan McGinley

Nothing's happened but I think it will soon, so I sit here waiting for God and a train to the Astral plane

Every time I look myself in the mirror I tend to see a totally new person, like there's so many sides of me that I won't ever know all of them. And of course I won't. It's like when you see yourself on a screen, when someone else has filmed you, and you suddenly see all of these angles you've never seen of yourself before. It's weird, I would like to be the one who knows myself the best, but now I realize there's so much I don't know about myself.

Last Friday I was at a party at a friends house, I was the only one not drinking and I felt both proud and uncomfortable at the same time. And as I sat there among these people, rather drunk, talking mostly nonsense I kind of felt separated from them, like I was so much better than them because I wasn't drinking. I just felt sorry for their sorry lives and they're sad relationships and their future jobs that they won't even like. But then I just felt like I was the idiot, judging other people when I was just as much a failure as anyone of us.
Or maybe we're not failures, maybe we're fucking awesome superheroes that'll save the day. I don't know, but I like to think that I'm better and different, which I'm obviously not, most of my friends seem to be so much better than me it makes me feel like such a bad friend. But I love them dearly, and I would love to be part of their lives and try to make them happier. At the very least.
/Claire

Perhaps you'll plant a flower on my poor, unworthy grave, Come and sit along beside me when the roses nod and wave

I wake up every morning like this, and then I go to bed at night the same. I wander around the world like this, and I will leave it just the same. And everyone around me are exactly as scared as me, and they probably wonder as much. Does it make me feel worried? No, it's more comforting than anything else. I don't believe people are that different, our basic minds I mean, we all tend to react to things in different ways, but we all share the same basic needs and feelings. And we all have no fucking idea way we're still here on this earth every morning, or why some of us aren't.

I still try to find what I like, for example, when I walk in to a store I always get this feeling that everything could be extremely beautiful or that every piece of fabric is really ugly. I mean, how should I know what I like and don't like? How do I decide about that; do I decide about that? I could start being really mean to people and just ignore all of my friends, and become a total different person, and maybe I'd learn to live with that. If I really forced myself to do be this total ass then maybe I'd grow used to it? Can you totally change who you are? I guess you can, and that's pretty fucking scary.

I'm sorry that my first entry was really boring and had nothing interesting in it, but this blog isn't really supposed to be interesting, it's just to get things out of my mind I guess. And so that I can feel a little alive. I hope I've succeeded.
/Claire